i come downstairs to my wife writing a book for a diary entry, not neccesarily bad, but.

i realize she's not happy with me.

she then asks me how to lock the diary and doesn't want me to see the password. wtf? that pissed me off. i may not be the easiest person to talk to about some things, but keeping secrets from me and being that obvious about it? not cool. thankfully we got that straightened out fairly quickly.

then i read the entry she just took so long to write.
nevermind-the anger.
nevermind-the secrets.
i knew all of that already and didn't do anything to make it right. the schmuk strikes again.

i did think about doing things. but thinking and doing aren't the same. and, given my history, saying that i "thought" about it sounds like i'm just making something up to pacify her. i was thinking when i left for work yesterday that i wanted to make time for us today. i was thinking that i should make a counseling appointment now that i'm on a normal schedule with work.

can i prove that? no cuz as usual, i didn't say anything. if i would've mentioned that when i left yesterday, this wouldn't be happening today. if i would've mentioned counseling a couple days ago, this wouldn't be happening today. so here i sit, with her mad and sad, and there's nothing i can do.

i don't like saying i'll do something though. i procrastinate and i forget. then i just look stupid cuz i said i'd do something and it never gets done. so i don't say what i'm going to do. i just try to get it done when i think about it. i guess that doesn't work either, cuz i procrastinate and i forget.

i may be a better husband than i was. but i'm still not a good husband, i guess. i think that if the past wasn't haunting us, we'd be in a really good relationship right now though. i just have to keep trying...actually i have to try harder. i love my wife, and i don't want to lose her.